I never set out to lose 100 pounds. That was never my goal. Even thinking of losing 100 pounds made me think of never ending work outs with a trainer, expensive eating plans I would never be able to afford, or gastric bypass.
But guess who lost 100 pounds? I did, dammit!
I started losing weight for all of the wrong reasons…and to be honest with you, and with myself up until a few days ago, I still wasn’t. I started because I was hurt and angry, because I was scarred so deeply by someone that I cared for with everything I had, that I would have given just about anything in order to forget. To be able to focus all of my energy into one thing that would take my mind off of the circumstances surrounding me. And that “thing”, just happened to be losing weight.
2011 was not the first time I had been majorly let down by someone, but it was by far the hardest thing I have ever to this day been through. Up until January, I had never truly experienced a broken heart. For those of you that have…you know exactly how devastatingly shattered, broken, lied to, angry and hurt you are. This event also brought a few skeletons out of the closet that I had long ago buried, long ago forgotten or gotten over…or so I thought. And it all revolved around my weight.
Many of you have asked what I have been taking, and it is a hormonal supplement called HcG. I started my first round in May after losing 50 pounds on my own, and added another 47 pound loss in 45 days. The program is referred to as the “anti-social” diet, because you don’t want to go anywhere there is food. So needless to say, 45 days is a long time to spend alone in your thoughts, but you do find out a lot of information about yourself in that short amount of time.
With every pound that I have shed, I think of all the mean, hurtful, rude, moronic things people have to me regarding my weight, that unbeknownst to them over the years has left my heart with scars and scabs. During one of my “reflection” times, I remember thinking “Why did I ever let other people control how I felt about myself?” All of the reasons I used to think came flooding back. I come from a family when I was young that was naturally thin. My brother could have been a poster child for a starving child in a 3rd world country complete with a natural concaved chest. I had a sister who was thin and beautiful and perfect, and still is beautiful. And then there was me. And I just never felt like I fit in to our family. Maybe it was a time with growing up with Supermodels for role models….maybe I have a chemical imbalance in my brain…or maybe I felt that way, because that is how I was treated.
The next question I had to ask myself was: “OK those are reasons….but why use food to comfort myself?” My answer: When I used to act out I would get grounded, or suspended from school, or get things taken away. When I tried to talk, it felt like I was being ignored. Food didn’t do that. It didn’t yell at me. It’ didn’t ground me. It didn’t take things away…or so I thought. Food gave me that instant “feel good”. As long as I was stuffing Oreos in my face, it didn’t matter that my cousin had called me a fat ass to my face, and then laughed at me. Macaroni and Cheese took the sting out of hearing my “best friend” talk trash about me as I was in washing my hands at a bar while she and another friend were conversing thru the stalls. And Venti Green Tea Frapps from Starbucks became my go to on a daily basis when I was going thru a stressful time at work.
I had established a pattern in my youth, that still follows me today as an adult. Sad? Eat. Happy? Eat. Frustrated? Eat. And finally in April after dealing with four months of emotionally draining depression, I wanted it to stop.And here is where I started losing weight for the wrong reason.
I didn’t do it for me.
I did it for someone else. Because in the back of my twisted mind, I for some reason thought, if I lost some weight, he would come back, and we would work things out. A few months ago, I finally realized that it is hopeless to keep holding on to that hope. He’s not going to come back. And even if he did why would I want to be with someone who gave up so easily? Who ended up having zero substance? And who didn’t love me for who I was?
After I came to that realization I got angry, and then up until a few days ago it was about revenge. But revenge on who? My ex who treated me as if I wasn’t worth fighting for? So I’m gonna go lose a bunch of weight, get some plastic surgery, and find someone better? What…just say it I’m crazy. Revenge against myself? For treating my body like crap for 31 years. Revenge against anyone who ever called me name either behind my back or to my face? Against my doctor who told me the only way I was going to lost the amount of weight I needed to lose was to have the gastric bypass?
Then yesterday, my eyes were opened when I saw a quote ” I am who I am, and your approval isn’t needed.” YOU ARE NOT RELEVANT! You may be my “friend”, my “family”, my “co-worker”, my “ex”, all who like to foam at the mouth with vicious words, but maybe you should focus on YOUR inner dislikes about yourself, before you start in on the outer flaws of others..
I may never be a size 0 that so many women secretly covet in their closets. Who knows, I may never even reach the “end goal” I have for myself. All I know is I am half way there, and even though it seems like I have another mountain to climb, after losing 115 pounds on my own, I know I can do it, and I’m for dang sure going to try my best to achieve it.. And I’m going to do it for me.
At my heaviest
Half way and 115lbs lighter
